So - I got diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder at a ripe age of 27 years old. A canon even for afab folks I'm afraid.

It's not like I didn't suspect it earlier. I have felt like I'm 'different' for years. First time I could finally name that feeling was after filling out an online ASD assessment test I found a link to on 4chan. The issue is that when your whole life teaches you to mask, it's making it difficult for people to spot it right away. Parents, doctors, teachers, mental health professionals...

I wonder if my life would be any different if I had known I'm autistic and not 'different', 'quirky', 'annoying', 'smartass', 'too sensitive', 'weird', 'social fuckup'.

It also explained a lot of things, but not necessarily made them any easier. It gave a name to my experience. I'm still figuring out where to draw the line between explanation and pathologizing my traits. Masking can be useful, but it's also kind of more difficult to do it consciously now.

I feel unemployable. I mean, I can hold a job, but god it's just exhausting. I like structure, but the moment I realize structures are fake it's like I'm unable to function within them. I will not jump through imaginary hoops for the bosses, I struggle to see 'work' as 'real life'. I feel like it's stealing my energy and focus and time from my 'special interests' (or anything that's even slightly more interesting than working).

Despite the diagnosis I still sometimes feel like I'm faking it. Even though there are times that I can't leave my house because the idea of putting on any clothes makes me want to throw up. Even though I cry every day after coming home from work from the overstimulation. I guess decades of being gaslighted about one's experiences will do that to a mf. And the feeling of betrayal that person(s) I held dear to my heart could do such a thing.

I spent so many years observing how 'normal' people behave trying to distil the essence of what it means to behave like a human, that sometimes I don't even feel like a human myself anymore. The need for self-expression became fear if what I'm doing is 'acceptable'.

There is also hope to all of that. Having those realizations means I get to consciously pursue relationships with people who we can inspire and uplift one another. With every act of self-expression it gets every so little less scary. I gain courage to do things I've wanted to do, but felt too scared to try (like this website for example). I recognized the importance of having safe spaces to retreat to - be it physical spaces, safe people or mental spaces when I can just get lost in my hobbies. I gave myself permission to just... be.